Baby Talk

10:30 AM

Now that Kyle and I are finally married, we are constantly prompted with the inevitable: "So when are you two having kids?". Most of our close friends and family know better, but co-workers, old classmates, and a few acquaintances usually follow "Hey! How are you?!" with the kid question. Most of the time, it is no big deal, Kyle and I will both answer "Oh, whenever we are ready" and proceed to blow it off. 

However, there are always those few who can't help picking at it. For instance: I recently went for my yearly physical and my doctor kept gushing on about how I should start having kids soon. She even went as far as to (jokingly) comment on my weight-loss by telling me to stop trying to lose weight and to have kids instead. I know she was just trying to make conversation, because I know how much talking about menstrual cycles and acid reflex issues are loads of fun, but still. It is a private matter between Kyle and I. 

I like kids, I do. I don't freak out around babies like some people do (to be honest, that shit is annoying), I love my friend's kids. For the most part, I liked when my little brothers were chubby little guys. To be honest, I always thought I would be a mom some day. Eventually the thought of adoption came across my mind, I think it would be amazing to give a home to a child who needs one. I love the idea of being pregnant one day (except for the caffeine restrictions), but it is not something that I need to do. 

me

The good thing about all of this pressure, is that is prompts me to discuss it with people who are/have been in the same position as me. Here is what I am typically faced with: If I had kids earlier in life, I would have been irresponsible. If I wait, I will be too old to connect with them. If I have one kid, they will be weird.If I have lots of kids, they won't get enough attention. If I keep working after having a kid, then I am not spending enough time with them. If I quit my job to take care of my kids, then I wasted my degree/I am not providing enough income for them. It. Never. Ends.

Then of course there is the whole "what if I just don't want kids?" life, because honestly, I don't really know. There is a lot of controversy over that one, mostly the argument over the fact that it could be considered selfish. I sometimes consider this because there are so many things that I still want to do with my life, that I am not sure if carting around a kid would work. Then again I have friends who do just that, and they are amazing, but then they get a lot of flack because people consider it "irresponsible". It really never ends. 

mark and me

So what is my solution? I have none. For the moment, I am good without a kid. I have made the decision that if I do have a child, there will be only one. It will probably have "only child syndrome", but then it won't have "oldest, youngest, or middle-child syndrome", because lets face it, there will always be something. Will I change my mind? Maybe. I might change it in six months, I might change it in six years. I might just go ahead and adopt. I might just end up with 12 more cats and two more dogs. 

But whenever people really bug me about having kids, when it really gets on my nerves I just tell them this: 

"Whatever they did to me at Demon's Run, I can't ever give you children." 

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13 Musings

  1. I could have written this exact post a year ago. I felt the exact same way for a really long time - and quite frankly may still have been feeling that way if we didn't have kind of an "oops". Now that it's upon us I've changed my tune and I'm ready, but I just want you to know - I relate to this 100% - and there is nothing wrong with your stance at all! Take life as it comes, one day at a time - if you never have kids, so be it. If you adopt, that's awesome. And if you have one, that's cool too. I am an only child and my child will be an only child - and there isn't anything wrong with that either!

    People are just too damn nosy, that is the only real problem!!

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  2. Yes this is really very rude and it is even worse when you are single it is amazing how self serving some people can be and you will never be too old to connect with your children, the only barrier would be physical there is unfortunately a timeline for women
    , the saying is not it's a woman's world, that is part of the problem you are a woman and in some ways women still need to make choices unlike men who can work and if they want to get married at 50 or even 60, and squeeze out a couple of babies though they are not the ones doing the squeezing out that would be their 30 year old wives--this happens more then think. Your doctor is probably pushing you because of the age thing but everyone else should leave you alone.

    Ali of Dressing Ken

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  3. I think it's rude for people to assume everyone wants children and put someone on the spot with such intrusive inquiry. Handle the situation in whatever way you wish, but don't feel inclined to respond to their rudeness with more info than you want to disclose.

    I never had kids and never wanted any. Being a parent is demanding and, for those who want that, fine; for me, it would have been too draining and distracting from my other goals in life.

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  4. Loved this post! Btw before I forget - the photos you shared are super cute!

    Having a child isn't as easy as it looks. It changes relationships. It can be overwhelming a lot of the time, etc. It's also a giant blessing. However, I think you have to be ready for it and you'll be the only one who knows when you're ready and that's not anybody else's business. I have Charlie and he was a nice little surprise but his father is beyond difficult to deal with and managed to screw me over (because i'm unemployed) and took Charlie back east with him and his girlfriend. Having dealt with all this and I'm still dealing with all sorts of things... I'm personally kinda traumatized at the thought of another kid. Maybe I over shared a bit (sorry) but I can't stress enough - take your time. There's nothing wrong with that. and if you're scared about being too old to connect with your kids - my step-aunt popped out her last kid at 40. Both of my step cousins are now in college and they've always had the best relationship with my aunt and uncle. Because my aunt and uncle made it a point to constantly want to connect with them. Don't stress my dear! :)

    xo
    Rachel

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  5. Oh..what a last line.

    Well, it is something to really think long and hard about. Also, in this day and age it is one of those decisions you want to put off having.

    But, yes, adoption is a wonderful thing too.

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  6. It is kind of annoying when the grocery boy ask when your baby is due and you aren't even pregnant.

    When I was in high school a close friend told me, right before he ran away, that I looked pregnant. 9 months later he's the one having a kid with some girl he barely knew.

    But that is just so funny..hearing it from your doctor. What a strange conversation.

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  7. I had an "oops pregnancy", I also never thought I wanted kids, then I lost that baby and the desire too be a mother was unbearable. since then I had another miscarriage, one of my own and have also adopted.
    Adoption is a great option, but it is incredibly nerve wrecking, time consuming and has a huge financial impact.
    Either way children are incredibly time consuming and demanding but the most rewarding thing I have ever done in my life. It far surpasses my education success, career success, friends, traveling. when you see your child's eyes for the first time ( adoptive or biological) there is no sensation in the world that compares.

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  8. beautiful post Sara and you were the cutest!!! people are never satisfied. first, it's when are you getting married. then the kid question. then the kid and questions about the kid. LOL it's neverending. so do what's best for YOU. i wanted a family, but never found the right guy. now since i'm older, i don't want children (money, bullying,private school etc.) i just want to meet a nice guy and travel. LOL so priorities change. you really have to look at your lifestyle. kids are a full time commitment.
    http://www.averysweetblog.com/

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  9. Ah man, get out of my head! My partner and aren't married, but we still get the children question constantly. I think it's because I have been very vocal about not wanting children since I was about 13. People truly think I am odd, but that's ok.

    I do have an issue with the question though, because there are a lot of women who physically can't have children but want them. How painful would that nosy, insipid question be for them. It is a very, very personal matter and shouldn't be inquired about so flippantly.

    The best thing about being a woman in this day and age is that we genuinely do have a choice in the matter. I feel very privileged to be able to take my own future into my own hands and make the decision that is right for me. You and Kyle can enjoy doing that too, and respond to the nosy people however you see fit.

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  10. Those kind of questions are definitely rude and annoying and they seem to take for granted that a married couple MUST have kids. That especially pisses me off.

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  11. I have 2 nephews and that's good enough for me. Though I'm not married, and don't even have a boyfriend, I can honestly say that I don't plan on having children. I love kids, I'm ridiculously maternal, but I have zero interest in having my own. Irony. :/

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  12. Oddly enough, I have NOT received this question. Like ever. I think people know that Sonny and I want to have kids but why they've never asked is a mystery to me.

    It's a highly personal question and I guess people don't realize that just because you technically CAN have children, doesn't necessarily mean that you SHOULD have kids. Ugh, I wish more people thought about this. Being ready, willing, or even financially stable is no business to be sharing with others.

    Anyways, I read " Why Have Kids?" and loved the points made in the book. It's just sad that the people that NEED to read it probably won't because they're too busy running after their hyperactive, non-disciplined, entitled children.
    Oh and I'm turning 32 in a couple of weeks and I'm pretty sure I've still got time to get healthy, lose weight and get in shape BEFORE I have a baby. Your doctor should have told you that what your doing is smart since the better shape you are in now, the easier it will be after you have a child. Duh.

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  13. I don't think it is right for people to push or pressure one to have kids if both people in a relationship are not ready to have one. I know a few couples who decided to have none, and others who couldn't have any and wish they could but they never adopted, which doesn't even make sense to me (as if they just got so sad they couldn't have their own that they didn't want anyone else's). You know I love adoption.

    You haven't even been married a full year yet, have you? I don't know why people would want to have you get on so soon.

    We want a 3rd kid so badly. Too bad I have to wait until getting $6000 for Rob's vasectomy reversal. biggest mistake ever to have had that done after Micah was born.

    +Victoria+

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Talk nerdy to me.