Cat Ears & Coffee: Life

Postcards From Hollygrove

January, the month that is birthed, saturated in optimistic resolutions that are equivalent to actually making a lemonade/kale/acai berry smoothie with those overpriced lemons from Whole Foods. Then adding a pint of vodka, because when life gives you a paycheck to buy lemons, you make that produce as enjoyable as possible because you are a functioning adult.

I myself have always found January to be a month created for thick, knee-high socks, heaps of coffee, and hiding myself away in a onesie with the stack of books I have neglected all year. 2017 has been different for many reasons, and I find my weeks following a steady cycle of work, work, work, followed by the occasional horror flick, and sneaking in a few pages of 'Salem's Lot on my 15 minute breaks at my desk.

After a weekend of bitter 20-something degree weather, I found myself sipping a Two Hearted Ale, wistful for the late summer/early autumn weekends in Hollygrove. Now that I am armed with both a working camera and laptop, I felt the need to share some moments I happened to capture at Sweet Endings, the last weekend of the Michigan Renaissance Festival (under the influence of cider, I may add).

Flashback to 2015: I have always been a huge fan of faire, but I had never had the opportunity to partake in the way that I had always hoped to. After moving home in August of 2015, my very close friend Dani took me with her to faire and ever since then, my experience has been vastly different. I began camping at the KOA in Holly, MI with the rest of the Rennies as well as landing a gig selling CD's for Bocca, and then later on selling merch for Stone Clover. This past year I unfortunately wasn't able to attend as much as I would have liked, but I ended up having a blast taking photos until my camera met its ultimate death the very last weekend.

What makes faire so wonderful? Seven weekends of drunken debauchery aside, it is a place for people to enter a world of dragons, fairies, pirates, gypsies, wizards, and whatever other clever identity the participants and performers come up with to escape the often mundane and hectic realities our daily lives weigh us down with. Some performers work full-time jobs during the week, and perform multiple shows all day on weekends. Others travel the circuit, working faires all over the country throughout the year as their full-time job. Chatter around the campfire at the end of the evening varies from daily shenanigans, to heartfelt stories of loved ones living in other states.

Like most communities, there can be a few hard-to-handle individuals, but honestly most of the Rennies I have encountered are the most open, and welcoming people. Everyone from the fire-breathers to the patrons who dress like pirates and tailgate in the parking lot are the nicest assholes you'll ever meet.

2017 has started off pretty busy for me, and my schedule seems to be pretty steady from now until June. Between loads of overtime at Vesco, tons of Stone Clover gigs, as well as my very first trip to Portland in two weeks, I have to say my days of Netflix + PBR are very few and far-between. Still, I find myself pinning ideas for new garb on Pinterest, trying to figure out how to wear a corset casually, and wondering what is the point of Fireball without Fall Woodchuck to accompany it.

Until then, fare thee well.

*All photos by myself (except the one of me, taken by Mariah).

9:21 PM
6 Comments

Twenty Sixteen

Detroit

"Dumpster Fire of a Year" is what 2016 is ever-so-fondly referred to by most people on every social media platform I use, and I can't help but agree for the most part. Yes, a lot of beloved celebrities were lost, and the election was a mess, but on a more personal level watching my loved ones try to survive this year was like trying to pull a piano out of a lake. My friends and family had a far worse year than I had, even though I too experienced some very not fun moments. 2016 became for me a year of self-awareness, and though I am an over-sensitive, anxiety-ridden mess a good chunk of the time, I am also very good at channeling a lot of my negative energy into something positive: work.

I don't think there was one week last year where I didn't either take work home, or work a weekend for Vesco. I redesigned this entire blog at the beginning of the year, and shot a few outfit photos with the help of Mariah all over Detroit. I was hired by my close friends to work for their band Stone Clover to do an assortment of things, their personal photographer at events being one of them, which in turn lead to some other endeavors. I had my very first (and hopefully not last) senior portrait gig, that ended up being a lot more fun than I had originally anticipated. I practiced shooting with my friend's dog at Belle Isle to get used to capturing movement, which lead me to becoming braver when shooting events with the band. i.e. crawling around on the stage to get better shots as opposed to meekly standing at the side for fear of getting in the way.

I bought my camera back in 2010 shortly after starting this blog, and I mostly just tinkered around with it. I quickly learned my strengths and weaknesses: I do alright taking portraits, I am terrible at detail shots. I talked to my photographer friends, I talked to photographers at the Michigan Renaissance Festival, I practiced until I became better at capturing movement. Mariah taught me some Photoshop basics, I bought books to learn how to edit better. I still take 1,000's of photos at events and only end up using less than 100. I spend hours editing and sorting photos, taking note of what can be improved, of what actually works well, and I am floored when my friends actually like my photos enough to share them on social media or use them as their profile pictures. It feels amazing to be proud of myself for something I am still learning about, and I can't wait to start on all of the projects I have in mind for this year.

I didn't make very many resolutions for 2017, mostly because now that I am decently far down a path of self-improvement, I would just like to keep up better habits and work on personal goals. However, I would like to make an effort to blog more. Blogging was my very first healthy creative endeavor, which ultimately lead me to toying around with photography to begin with. I already have quite a few ideas lined up for on my own, but I am also excited to collaborate a bit later in the year with a few people to hopefully push my skills a bit further as well as keep my content interesting. I am more motivated with this blog than I have ever been before, and I can't wait to share everything with you kittens! So stay tuned!

*All photos by myself except for the last one taken by Ed Ballots

4:39 PM
6 Comments

Boris At Belle Isle

Life

8:35 PM
6 Comments

Life Lately

Life

Life lately has been a bit of a whirlwind once again, and the best that I can do to describe it is: organised chaos. Work is still busy as usual, I just got back from a long, much-needed weekend of camping with the girls, I have been trying to practice taking better photos every chance that I get, trying to hit the gym on the regular again, as well as tackle all of the new tasks that Stone Clover has thrown at me. I love learning new things, and there are so many wonderful aspects to this job. I get to interact with people on all forms of social media, take photos of the band at the events I tag along to, I am learning how to do booking, as well as many other things. My confidence levels after having to approach people have grown tremendously, and sometimes it is hard to believe that it's really me.

I had met Pauly years ago, back when he was a bartender at Grand Trunk in Detroit. My now ex husband, Kyle and him hit it off rather well, and so we started to frequent that bar more often with a group of friends. As the years went by, we caught a few Stone Clover shows and became closer friends. When I moved back home last August, Pauly and his wife Dani took me in almost every weekend, and the rest is pretty much history.

I am very much grateful for this opportunity, as I am hoping to eventually find a career doing something more creative. I am burnt out exhausted some days, but I wouldn't change a thing. I am not only working for people that I care a great deal for, I am fighting for myself. I am okay working at a desk for an oil distributor, but that is not what I am meant to do. I have been fighting an existential crises since 23 years old, and only in the past two months have I felt the kick in the ass that I have needed all along. What sort of career will become of this? I don't know. I am running with it though, and I will pour every ounce of energy I have into improving all of my interests until they become talents. I will make like Robert Frost and sprint down The Road Not Taken, because it is making a difference. I am getting better, and there are days when I want nothing more than just to make it to the other side, but I am learning to appreciate life as it is happening right now. And it is terrifyingly amazing.

Be Brave, kids.

8:48 PM
6 Comments

Northern Lights

Life

I moved back home almost nine months ago, and I still have a fairly large closet full of belongings at Kyle's house, boxes in my parent's basement that have yet to be sorted, and piles of clothes to be sold, and donated. I have an outline for a short story saved on my laptop that hasn't been touched in over a year, and two blog posts left in draft. Why? I have spent almost every waking moment since the weekend I have moved home on the go. Between renfaire, birthday parties, house parties, helping friends out with projects, trips to the gym, shows, sitting on my friend's couches watching movies, and working a lot of weekends, it adds up rather quickly. About a month or so ago, I was finally feeling OK when suddenly almost all of my close friends went into crisis mode. Break-ups, injury, sickness, depression, and anxiety seem to be running rampant in the Detroit/Metro Detroit area and plaguing everyone that I love. At first, it was almost a relief to focus on my loved ones instead of myself, but fairly quickly I started to feel like I was being pulled into too many directions, and stretched too thin. I had to start saying "no" to people I love who have been there for me ever since I moved home, and I felt guilty for not being able to be there for them.

I had two longings and one was fighting the other. I wanted to be loved and I wanted to be always alone.

—	Jean Rhys, Wide Sargasso Sea

Being an Outgoing Introvert, I have been able to come up with a great solution: Platonically date my friends. One-one time with close friends seems to be a very good route, and once per week or so, Mariah and I meet up for lunch, or coffee. On this particular day back in April, we went to Northern Lights Lounge in Detroit. Quiet hours spent with just one or two people help me be there for them, while also avoiding becoming overwhelmed, and I feel like I can pay closer attention to that individual. This past weekend Dani and I spent Sunday together, alternating between our group of friends and running errands just the two of us and it ended up being a decent balance. I left a party at 11:00 pm, completely sober and enjoyed not being hungover the next day. I still struggle with saying 'no', it is hard trying to explain to people that I don't always want to drink, not with my anxiety levels so high, and that I need alone time in order to recharge. It usually ends with people offering for me to come over and hangout, so the cycle goes. However, planning things ahead be it movie nights in with my girls, or coffee dates with my guys, quality time with close friends is a great way to find balance.

I have had some small changes in my life recently that have had major effects; hiring in the intern full-time has created a slightly crowded office as well as removing the 1.5 hours I had alone before my boss would wander in for the day. Going with friends to the gym, weekly band management meetings, and having anywhere between two-six people at my parent's house at any moment makes for very little time to decompress. Very often, the only alone time I get is when I am driving in my car. At the end of the day, there is a select group of people who I can talk to all day and night, and there are a few who I have to prepare myself for because they can be exhausting. It doesn't mean that I love them any less, it just means that I am often left so very drained that I cannot be a good friend to them unless I have time to recharge.

Taking care of my introverted nature isn't the only concern here, it's also finally facing all of the obstacles I have been running from, avoiding since I have moved home. I have paid off a decent chunk of debt, but there is more that needs to go, and won't unless I take better control of my spending. I have been at my current job for over nine years and have become a little too comfortable, that needs to change. I have personal goals that I need to start hitting, or else I will feel trapped in a box and give into partying every weekend as a means of escape all over again. I can still go out, but there needs to be a balance. I need to be a better friend, a better employee, a better blogger, writer, and a better me.

10:45 PM
7 Comments

Ants

Life

The best way I have been able to describe it is: ants. One lone ant, bringing a negative thought into my brain as food for it's nest. I am told to my face, had my gaze held intently and told the sincerest truths, and it's not as if I don't believe them, I do. I trust the words spoken to me, but I can't trust the ants, one after another, carrying fear into my mind,warping everything locked in there. Carpenter ants, tearing down all the tall, grey walls I put up in my best attempt to stave them off. Eventually there is nothing left, my strength crumbles as emotions overrun logic yet again.

This is my version of anxiety. The cause of so much stress, worry, doubt, fear, and destroying what is in fact, the reality around me. There is no bigger pain than watching a loved one tell you something and you have no reason not to believe them, because you love this person, and have your mind filter out something negative. Not only that, but dwell on it consistently. My only coping mechanism is constant reassurance, but asking for that over and over again becomes a hindrance. Why? Because why would a love one not mean what they say? Eventually it is going to hurt their feelings when they constantly have to repeat themselves, leaving them feeling like their words are meaningless. Which of course causes more stress, because then I know I actually did something wrong. so the cycle continues.

It has been a reoccurring battle over the years, and I have been able to conquer it, though, I also fail. Ever since moving home, it comes in waves. Sometimes they are really, really huge fucking waves. What needs to be understood about anxiety is that it is uncontrollable. However, you can control how you react to it. Worry, doubt, fear, and my personal favorite: insecurity will never really go away. My mind will never stop emotion from coming forward first, but my job is to reel it back, and make sure that logic has a go. Over the past few months, I have slowly been getting better, I have. Sometimes though, my heart wants things that my brain just isn't ready for. It's perfectly acceptable to follow your heart, but not if it is going to leave you as a giant insecure monster in the process. Anxiety is a part of me, but there is so much more there. So many people have seen the worst there is of me, but the best is still yet to come. That I have confidence in.

The big picture is there, but it is also terrifying. It is the leading cause of so much anxiety, constantly putting me in a place where I am overrun with insecurity instead of being happy with what I have accomplished so far, and destroying wonderful things in my life. So the only thing I can do is make smaller goals to lead up to the bigger ones, and take it all one day at a time. Because as Jenny Lewis said: All of the immediate unknowns are better than this tired and lonely fate.

I'll take vitamins, I will adapt a healthy diet, I will drink teas and get better rest. I will stick to a workout regime to help quell the emotion, and I will learn to get my head and my heart to work together. In the end, it's going to be okay.

10:48 PM
8 Comments

Marche Du Nain Rouge

Detroit

When I stepped out of my room to inform my Dad of my plans for my whereabouts a few Sunday's back, I barely managed two words out before he just stood back trying to look angry but failing. "What the hell" was his loving reaction to my outfit: A red plaid sweater, shorts with leggings (layered over workout pants, because cold), boots, sunglasses, and cat ears, whiskers, and a tail. Typical Sunday garb, correct?

He then rambled on about how he couldn't understand the cat thing, it must be something associated with being born in October. I politely responded to him by saying that at least I wasn't doing cocaine. Cocaine? That he could understand (how the fuck do I react to that?!) but dressing like a cat all of the time? Nope.

As I grabbed my camera and ran out the door to meet my friend Greg, my dad called after me, suggesting that I see if the need a Catwoman for the next Batman movie.

Party Catwoman. I like it.

Anyway, the Nain Rouge, French for "Red Dwarf"is a mythical creature that some believe originated in Normandy, France. Original legends tell of the creature being protector of Detroit, but, due to modern interpretations, it is now feared by the residents as the "harbinger of doom." Each year, residents of Detroit and its surrounding areas gather to march in a hodge-podge of a march to rid the city of the Nain.

This year was my first year, and Greg's too so it was nice to be a newb with someone. Everyone was dressed crazy! Lots of red, all sorts of masks, kids running around everywhere, people brought their pets out, there were floats, and jugglers and music and of course, dancing in the street! I had an absolute blast! It was right down the street from Mariah's apartment, so she came and checked it out for a bit as well. We ran into some of Greg's friends, some of my buds from B. Nektar Meadery, and of course a bunch of rennies. I did my best to take photos, but eventually handed it off to Mariah to take back with her to her apartment while we danced in the marche. It is nice to live life enjoying the moment every now and then.

Click here to read more up on the Nain Rouge!