10:48 PM

The best way I have been able to describe it is: ants. One lone ant, bringing a negative thought into my brain as food for it's nest. I am told to my face, had my gaze held intently and told the sincerest truths, and it's not as if I don't believe them, I do. I trust the words spoken to me, but I can't trust the ants, one after another, carrying fear into my mind,warping everything locked in there. Carpenter ants, tearing down all the tall, grey walls I put up in my best attempt to stave them off. Eventually there is nothing left, my strength crumbles as emotions overrun logic yet again.

This is my version of anxiety. The cause of so much stress, worry, doubt, fear, and destroying what is in fact, the reality around me. There is no bigger pain than watching a loved one tell you something and you have no reason not to believe them, because you love this person, and have your mind filter out something negative. Not only that, but dwell on it consistently. My only coping mechanism is constant reassurance, but asking for that over and over again becomes a hindrance. Why? Because why would a love one not mean what they say? Eventually it is going to hurt their feelings when they constantly have to repeat themselves, leaving them feeling like their words are meaningless. Which of course causes more stress, because then I know I actually did something wrong. so the cycle continues.

It has been a reoccurring battle over the years, and I have been able to conquer it, though, I also fail. Ever since moving home, it comes in waves. Sometimes they are really, really huge fucking waves. What needs to be understood about anxiety is that it is uncontrollable. However, you can control how you react to it. Worry, doubt, fear, and my personal favorite: insecurity will never really go away. My mind will never stop emotion from coming forward first, but my job is to reel it back, and make sure that logic has a go. Over the past few months, I have slowly been getting better, I have. Sometimes though, my heart wants things that my brain just isn't ready for. It's perfectly acceptable to follow your heart, but not if it is going to leave you as a giant insecure monster in the process. Anxiety is a part of me, but there is so much more there. So many people have seen the worst there is of me, but the best is still yet to come. That I have confidence in.

The big picture is there, but it is also terrifying. It is the leading cause of so much anxiety, constantly putting me in a place where I am overrun with insecurity instead of being happy with what I have accomplished so far, and destroying wonderful things in my life. So the only thing I can do is make smaller goals to lead up to the bigger ones, and take it all one day at a time. Because as Jenny Lewis said: All of the immediate unknowns are better than this tired and lonely fate.

I'll take vitamins, I will adapt a healthy diet, I will drink teas and get better rest. I will stick to a workout regime to help quell the emotion, and I will learn to get my head and my heart to work together. In the end, it's going to be okay. 

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8 Musings

  1. I've also struggled with anxiety my whole life. The good news is you develop better ways to handle it over time; that eases the stress and allows you to enjoy more. Anxiety may never go away (mine hasn't) but you can still live a happy life.

  2. My in-laws other than my father-in-law and Rob all have anxiety issues and for a long time I didn't get it at all. It didn't make sense to me. Now I am learning how to be a little more understanding of those who have it. I am getting the picture of how rough it is to have it and how to give space and not throw them into things that will make their anxiety worse.

    Your writing once again is so vivid with emotion that I see and understand anxiety a little better too now. I know that it is hard to share these things with us, but I really appreciate your honesty.


  3. this is so greatly written! and it's good to remember that really things will be okay in the end:-) xo

  4. I know you can roll with the flow. Although, there is a mountain of work and never ever enough time in the day to do it all. Unfortunately..but now..I take a good 30 minutes before bed to tire myself with a crochet project. As it is, devices can keep me up all night.

    Here's hoping you'll remember the positive, even if you have to grin and bare it with what seems..sometimes..the bears in our lives..not the ants. Those who think they know you, but very few really do. Yes, we are always evolving. And if we stand still enough, we will actually feel the earth rotating and its just a dance we can only enjoy..possibly.

    All the best on your writing! Keep writing!

  5. OMG..I was afraid I couldn't find the comment area..

    Oh you..young and happening, and always on the go. You are there for so many people. And you are so active. Still, I worry..if you have any pets now. I hope you have a fabulous summer! And hope we get to read more of these posts.

  6. Oh, I love how easy it is to relate to this. While I was always a natural worrier, my anxiety issues didn't fully rear their head until I was in recovery for anorexia. It was like recovery, and the thought of it, just petrified me; thus, anxiety developed. I have good days, I have bad just never know when it will pop up. Cheers to working towards overcoming it!


  7. I have been there so many times. I had to take small steps. Make small accomplishments. It's also easy to take a step back. But I got up and kept moving forward. You can do it.


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