Pretty Machines1:20 PM
I've been tricked into buying a number of things
Yeah, bullshit and dreams -Parquet Courts, Pretty Machines
Up until recently, I kept living my life for my future. I was living with the mindset that everything in my life would suddenly be better when I had reached my ultimate goals: pay off debt, and move into my own place. After sitting down and looking at my situation realistically, I now know that isn't going to happen for some time, and it became very difficult to not be discouraged. Even with setting short-term and long-term goals I still felt trapped and oftentimes that there was no point to anything, I felt useless. I backslid, often. I still kept trying.
Then about six weeks ago, something clicked. My friend Pauly asked me if I was interested in doing some secretary work for his band Stone Clover, and I said yes because I could use a little extra money. This somehow evolved into me running all of their social media, doing research, and taking photos of them at events. We have weekly meetings where we brainstorm ideas, and we are constantly texting/messaging each other with encouragement. I became so busy that I stopped thinking about being broke/when I was going to move out/my shitty dating life, and started thinking of how I could be better at being an asset to this band, how I could find an actual career doing something more creative. What started out as a healthy distraction has evolved into me taking charge of my life, finally.
I am not going to lie, I often worry that I might have some form of High-Functioning Depression, because there are moments when everything slows down and I feel a little lost until I begin to tackle to the next project. However, this is the first thing that has felt completely "right" in a very long time. I look around myself and I am not the only one struggling, we all are. So many loved ones are trying to find jobs, better jobs, graduating, worrying about parents, worrying about children, finding love, healing broken hearts, fighting depression, anxiety, loneliness, the list never ends really, but we keep trying.
Sometimes we work hard and we reach our goals, and sometimes things don't work out the way we want them to. The greatest lesson I have learned is to have goals, and dreams, but to also really just live in the present. Every late night parked car conversation, all of the drunken hugs and kisses on cheeks, the hours spent bent over laptops clicking away at keyboards, all of the long-winded text messages venting frustration and yet also pushing encouragement are all the little important pieces happening now that are leading up to the biggest dream I have: to look back on it all and know that I lived.
No one has it figured out, there isn't a set of rules, or a way it is 'supposed' to be. I sure as hell discovered quickly that the American Dream isn't for me, and it is going to take a little while to really figure the rest of it out because my wants and needs often clash. When it comes down to it I think that I will truly find happiness when I can overcome the fear of not being good enough, and I can honestly say that presently, I am on the correct path.