Pretty Machines

1:20 PM

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Pretty machines
Expensive magazines
I've been tricked into buying a number of things
Yeah, bullshit and dreams -Parquet Courts, Pretty Machines

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Up until recently, I kept living my life for my future. I was living with the mindset that everything in my life would suddenly be better when I had reached my ultimate goals: pay off debt, and move into my own place. After sitting down and looking at my situation realistically, I now know that isn't going to happen for some time, and it became very difficult to not be discouraged. Even with setting short-term and long-term goals I still felt trapped and oftentimes that there was no point to anything, I felt useless. I backslid, often. I still kept trying. 

Then about six weeks ago, something clicked. My friend Pauly asked me if I was interested in doing some secretary work for his band Stone Clover, and I said yes because I could use a little extra money. This somehow evolved into me running all of their social media, doing research, and taking photos of them at events. We have weekly meetings where we brainstorm ideas, and we are constantly texting/messaging each other with encouragement. I became so busy that I stopped thinking about being broke/when I was going to move out/my shitty dating life, and started thinking of how I could be better at being an asset to this band, how I could find an actual career doing something more creative. What started out as a healthy distraction has evolved into me taking charge of my life, finally. 

I am not going to lie, I often worry that I might have some form of High-Functioning Depression, because there are moments when everything slows down and I feel a little lost until I begin to tackle to the next project. However, this is the first thing that has felt completely "right" in a very long time. I look around myself and I am not the only one struggling, we all are. So many loved ones are trying to find jobs, better jobs, graduating, worrying about parents, worrying about children, finding love, healing broken hearts, fighting depression, anxiety, loneliness, the list never ends really, but we keep trying. 

Sometimes we work hard and we reach our goals, and sometimes things don't work out the way we want them to. The greatest lesson I have learned is to have goals, and dreams, but to also really just live in the present. Every late night parked car conversation, all of the drunken hugs and kisses on cheeks, the hours spent bent over laptops clicking away at keyboards, all of the long-winded text messages venting frustration and yet also pushing encouragement are all the little important pieces happening now that are leading up to the biggest dream I have: to look back on it all and know that I lived.  

No one has it figured out, there isn't a set of rules, or a way it is 'supposed' to be. I sure as hell discovered quickly that the American Dream isn't for me, and it is going to take a little while to really figure the rest of it out because my wants and needs often clash. When it comes down to it I think that I will truly find happiness when I can overcome the fear of not being good enough, and I can honestly say that presently, I am on the correct path. 

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 All pictures by Bae (Mariah) & myself

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8 Musings

  1. "As you move forward
    it's not just how much further
    but how far you've come"

    Keep #beingbrave

  2. Exactly! Brilliant insight ("The greatest lesson I have learned is to have goals, and dreams, but to also really just live in the present"). It will help you be happy. Good work, my friend.

  3. Woo! Go Sara! :)
    I've also had something click about a week ago, so I can relate to this post so so so much. AND congrats to you for scoring that gig and throwing your everything into it. Follow those dreams girl.

    I think it's so important of us to realise at all times that the societal norms and "dream" as you said, don't have to be for us at all. As long as we're chugging along, doing things that serve us first and foremost and not hurting anyone - we are rocking life.

    You are a beautiful creature. I've been reading my oldest blog and think I need to get back into it in a big way, for me, not this ridiculous social media monster.

    Love you, stay in touch x

  4. You will achieve your goals but it may take time. Enjoy life as you get older time goes faster and you miss the smaller things in life and hangovers get worse. Relax a little and maybe try slowing down but you will get there :) we miss you :)

  5. Sara, I am guessing the debt is, student debt, in that case what did you study? How'd you meet Pauly? I am sure this new avenue will create the opportunities you need to achieve the dream if you just keep working hard.

  6. Yeah! Down with the American Dream! Up with freedom of living day to day andnot really knowing what will come next. I never heard of high functioning depression. Very interesting. I am one who likes to constantly keep my mind occupied and to always be doing things and now am a little nervous because I get down in the dumps easily...

    I am really glad about your job that you have as a band manager. That is excellent! I think it is something that would be so fun! I hope you continue to do well with it. It is an adventure!

  7. <3 I just adore you. But really, I adore this post because sometimes I really need these kinds of reminders when I'm feeling completely anxious. Or when I fall apart about something and end up beating myself up over it saying that I'm stupid or the issue is stupid and I need to get over it. I need to treat myself with more love. I need to continue to be creative. I need to #bebrave. <3

    Also, I love that you always look like you fell out of a 90s punk/grunge movie setting. You're so fab.

    The Golden Days |

  8. It's great to see updates from you. I'm sure your little by little progress is getting you in the right direction and I think it's always good to think about the here and now for a while and how you can make the best of what you've got going for you. Hugs X


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