Contentment

6:18 PM

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Today during my lunch break, I cried in my best friend's car. I also cried Friday night to my friends on the way home from a great show in Detroit. I cry a lot. Ninety-Nine percent of the time it is due to anxiety, but it also one of my many flaws. 

I am an idealist, I have these great, big ideas and theories that I am so very convinced will work out perfectly if I just put a lot of energy and enthusiasm into them, and I do. However, when things don't work out the way that I pictured them in my head, I am so easily crushed. I then convince myself that I didn't try hard enough, or that there is another way that I haven't tried yet, or I just wasn't in the right mindset. So I try again, and again, and again. Sometimes it works out, but other times it is another story. An idealistic, hopeless romantic with enough energy to give the energizer bunny a run for his money? Sure sounds great, but what happens when I finally exhaust every option there is (often ignoring blatant warnings from loved ones)? I get crushed. I go completely numb, because I can no longer tell what is reality, and what isn't. 

The biggest issue here is that no matter how bad the situation is, there is always a little bit of good. The good always outshines the bad in my eyes, and that has lead me into so much heartache. Even to the point of being friends with toxic people that I can no longer help, because the good memories with them always outweigh the bad. 

Earlier this week I decided to focus on one of the good memories, because those are things I can keep. The situations, the people, I need to let go of. 

Contentment

Warm, toasted socks on chilled feet

Hot, strong coffee in the grey haze

Are the kisses on my forehead that break away the clouded noise, and leave fresh cotton sheets of white pages in my mind.

An outdoor house cat in a lap, curled up and facing inwards. My heart isn’t pulled, it’s held through the skunk-smoke, the flicker of light from the TV, and the persistent chill of the cave. Silently purring.

Inhaling all of the familiar scents that I just can’t placate, and I am home. A favorite blanket around my arms and waist, softly brushing the wisps of hair that grow on my temples.

Giggles, hearty laughs, and content sighs are the rings around my planet. Another world, where time seems irrelevant, though it always seems to move faster when everything else has paused.

Enthusiasm is never quite quelled. Whether the lids to my very being are open or closed, it’s always pools of dark brown reflecting blue.

Inhaling comfort, exhaling contentment. I am invulnerable.

(Posting from quite possibly the messiest desk in Ferndale) happy Wednesday!

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5 Musings

  1. What a wonderful post! Candid, sincere and wise. Don't be too hard on yourself for being you: it will be the source of your greatest achievements. Your personality and traits attracts others to you (like me!) and spurs you toward success. Sure, our twenties are full of wrong turns and dead-ends but you'll learn from them and grow smarter. Stay strong, my friend!

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  2. "Our tears remind us
    that deep inside, we still feel
    and that we're alive."

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  3. Life is not easy and we all have those moments when we fall apart. We need to pull ourselves together and know you have support from friends and family. :)

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  4. Beautiful. It is hard to find the contentment out of the bad things that happen. I am glad that you have been able to find little bits of it even though you have anxiety and are crying.
    +Victoria+
    justicepirate.com

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Talk nerdy to me.